Bad Assed Trader: Just about every trader has "draw down" months when their account dips. When I first started trading just about every month was a draw down month and I wasn't too bothered because I was learning rather than earning and it was generally expected.
But this month, and indeed last week in particular, has been really tough. Having had 3-4 months of making money it is that much harder to take the draw down month. You start to think: was it all an illusion? Is it all just completely random?
The little voice in your head that constantly seeks to do you down, to undermine your confidence, pops up with the volume turned up. It tells Bad Assed Trader that she's still just a Faceless Bureaucrat really and only thinks she's a trader. Just playing at it. That there's no consistency and how can she plan a future on that?
Those are the demons we face as traders. Our own doubts and fears. Just suppressing them isn't good enough. They still lurk and create pain instead of words when you sit on them. They find ways to control you and without awareness of what they are and why they are there we are just controlled by them like puppets. We have to face them. Shine a light on them and expose them for what they are: doubts and fears, normal human emotions to work through.
I have sat on them too long this month and it's not helped. My good intentions to meditate and try a variety of mind training techniques have fallen by the wayside somewhat as my confidence has ebbed. When the doubts and fears start the typical reaction is to cram more into the day to cover up the noise rather than give space for them to vent themselves. When you create a still moment and images of walking a tightrope spring into your mind your immediate reaction is to feel fear. This happened to me during my mind training last week. I'm not yet in the place where I note that with curiosity and explore it, but I intend to get to that place. My initial reaction was to dismiss the fears that image was expressing but this is simply batting away the emotions and doesn't work: they need to be faced.
Most of this has happened below the radar, I haven't really been aware of it. But as I stop and reflect I realise that these feelings have been present and growing whilst I sat on them. I understand that the only way to tackle these feelings is to address their root. I need to go back over all those trades and determine what was actually going on. Was it that I broke my rules? If so which ones and why? If not, was it that the market conditions were different - it certainly felt that way. And if neither of the above was it just the market randomness which is trading and which I have to fully come to terms with if I am to make it as a trader.
I have to give full scrutiny to know whether the fault line is with me, my strategy in current conditions or with the market itself. Only when I have diagnosed this can I put these doubts and fears to bed.
And next time I can't leave it as long to address the rising doubts and fears. I need to have a better grip, to be on top of my performance and know exactly what is causing any losses: me, my strategy or just the market. This is my second new year's resolution. And back to the mind training: not just learning it but actually applying it - notice my feelings from the moment they become a minor source of discomfort and work through them thoroughly.
But this month, and indeed last week in particular, has been really tough. Having had 3-4 months of making money it is that much harder to take the draw down month. You start to think: was it all an illusion? Is it all just completely random?
The little voice in your head that constantly seeks to do you down, to undermine your confidence, pops up with the volume turned up. It tells Bad Assed Trader that she's still just a Faceless Bureaucrat really and only thinks she's a trader. Just playing at it. That there's no consistency and how can she plan a future on that?
Those are the demons we face as traders. Our own doubts and fears. Just suppressing them isn't good enough. They still lurk and create pain instead of words when you sit on them. They find ways to control you and without awareness of what they are and why they are there we are just controlled by them like puppets. We have to face them. Shine a light on them and expose them for what they are: doubts and fears, normal human emotions to work through.
I have sat on them too long this month and it's not helped. My good intentions to meditate and try a variety of mind training techniques have fallen by the wayside somewhat as my confidence has ebbed. When the doubts and fears start the typical reaction is to cram more into the day to cover up the noise rather than give space for them to vent themselves. When you create a still moment and images of walking a tightrope spring into your mind your immediate reaction is to feel fear. This happened to me during my mind training last week. I'm not yet in the place where I note that with curiosity and explore it, but I intend to get to that place. My initial reaction was to dismiss the fears that image was expressing but this is simply batting away the emotions and doesn't work: they need to be faced.
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| Getting to the root of the feelings |
Most of this has happened below the radar, I haven't really been aware of it. But as I stop and reflect I realise that these feelings have been present and growing whilst I sat on them. I understand that the only way to tackle these feelings is to address their root. I need to go back over all those trades and determine what was actually going on. Was it that I broke my rules? If so which ones and why? If not, was it that the market conditions were different - it certainly felt that way. And if neither of the above was it just the market randomness which is trading and which I have to fully come to terms with if I am to make it as a trader.
I have to give full scrutiny to know whether the fault line is with me, my strategy in current conditions or with the market itself. Only when I have diagnosed this can I put these doubts and fears to bed.
And next time I can't leave it as long to address the rising doubts and fears. I need to have a better grip, to be on top of my performance and know exactly what is causing any losses: me, my strategy or just the market. This is my second new year's resolution. And back to the mind training: not just learning it but actually applying it - notice my feelings from the moment they become a minor source of discomfort and work through them thoroughly.
